I am not a good person (please ignore this post)

This is a self pitying post. Not something people will enjoy.. so dont read!!! i just want to write something to vent out my emotions....


I am bad afterall, i get jealous easily. i dont speak up, i will stay in once corner and hate whatever is happening. I hate when people are ignoring me. I hate when i am beeing inconsiderate. I am weak....

I dont know what is it to me.... but staying in a world of my own.. i am sure one of the most stupid person in a world... I am afraid i cant leave up to people expectation. Why i cant live the life i want? I dont know. I am just a scardy cat.

I have no self dicipline. I am lazy.. I always pretend to be someone that is not me.. I am rotting inside out... Sometime i wonder, am i really friends with those i think i am friend with? Whats in me that they look at? I am not a vr fun person. Sometime i bore them alot...
I am quiet... most of the times.. and inconsiderate...

my way of thought is twisted.. and i am afraid.. I always feel lonely.. coz i am a very greedy person. sometimes i just wish i am tranparent.. no one can see me.. no one knows that i am there.. so i wont make the atmosphere so awkwards... Its my fault rite? things turn out to be like this.. mostly my fault i think..

if i can be strongger... if i can be more friendlier.. if i can speak up more.. if i can be more sensitive... if i can be more considerate.. if i can be more in controlled.. if i can be more myself...

UGH~~~~~~~~~ i am so an attention seeker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i should just disspear from this world and make it better~~~~~~~~~

Sex Appeal

How to be more sex appealing to the other gender? for me, a guy has to be clean and refreshing. Thats what attract me the most, and i would like them to have a sweet scent like fruits or flowers.. That is the best~~ would u mind your gf smelling at you? It seems to irritate my ex bf long long time ago..

He was so delicate, soft skin, smooth face, skinny and cute.. That was so my type. I like the most is when he was sleeping, so cute and adorable.. He some time will crawl up my body and act like a baby looking for mommy comfort.. It makes me want to eat him up. He like to touch my breast, but no sex.. He is like, No-Sex-Before-Married type of guy, makes me hate him and love him at the same times...

He always keep his hair short, he is not a sporty type of person, but refreshing... However, his character is abit out of question, I like his smartness, cleverness, but he can nvr be caring, and he dont like my friends. Moreover he does care about me at all, i rememebr how he act out with a nother girl infront of me.. Its like i am transparent.. Whats funny is that he is also acting like that infront of the girl's Bf, Lucky that the guy has enough self comtrol, if i were him i think i will just smash my bf on the face.. The flirting is so obvious..

I wonder which point of me appeal to him the most?

I have no idea what am i doing

hmm, I dint have sex for quite sometimes rdy. Is this consider as healthy? I dont know..
I dont want to have sex with any random guy anymore, i hate it when i had it with them. I wan a serious relationship, i always wanted that. But seems like serious relation is really not fated in my life. I only get to know those who like to mess around. Its not that i am not happy when i am with them,but i feel an emptyness when we are apart. its not good rite?

Maybe i am too demanding.. I want to feel a sense of belonging. Is it wrong? I dont know. Sex is indeed something i enjoy the most, but sex is not all of it. I like to spend time with the one that care.. Just watch a dvd in the house will be so much fun. or went to do some groceries together.

Its all my wishfull thinking only. There is no way a guy want to spend this kind of quality time with me. Isnt it? well, i dont know how to met a guy. there is so much fish in the pond, but how to attract them? I think i do not have enough courage nor trait in atrracting a normal guy. Attracting abnormal guy is so easy. Just go on with the abnormality. but a normal guy? just those who can give me a sense of security? they are so far beyond my reach~~